today marked the 3rd thunderstorm since i've been back. in texas, i would think nothing of this, however, washington is a different matter. i only heard thunder 3 times while here for grad school. global warming.
of all the texas weather phenomena, i miss thunderstorms the most. there is nothing like a flotilla of thunderheads in the far off in the horizon as they snap and flash with electricity. seems like an eternity passes before they ever-so-slowly creep overhead. and all the while you stand transfixed in the ripping wind and warm rain as you deeply inhale the ozone. and then the feeling of soaking, cold rain as it falls and the rumble in the sky as the earth around you shakes with thunder. i miss that.
in seattle, the clouds are typically shapeless. without form and like a thick blanket filtering out the sunlight, making everything a subtle shade darker and without contrast. seattle has it's own beauty, but this despite it's weather, not because of it. okay, the rain makes it clean and green, but you know what i mean.
dave chappelle makes me laugh, but i think i need a good dose of friends to get me through. i've decided to put off any more friends until after training in june. then we'll see if i've truly kicked the habit. (friends refers to monica, chandler, joey, ross, rachel and phoebe, not REAL people. puh-leez)
last week, i saw a woman i trained with 3 years ago. she was waiting on a bus as i walked past on the sidewalk. i saw her, took a few seconds to place that familiar face, smiled, then waved at her. jesse saw me, took a second to figure out how she knew me, then happily waved back. i emailed her and that was a week ago. nothing since. i wonder why she didn't email me back. what do you with a situation like this? nothing?
i spoke to our receptionist today. karen is fantastic and i'm glad she's there. we exchange our pleasantries daily, but she always has nuggets of sage advice that simply make my day better. today, she spoke of how great it is to go somewhere new and make it. just make it for the sake of proving that you have the resilience to get through - to know you are able to take care of your self. to know that you can assemble a community or grow with a tribe. afterwards, i felt as though i had met with the buddha.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
memorial
cleaning
woke up and was in the mood to make things happen. so i cleaned. decluttering and orgainizing are great for a down psyche. laundry was equally pleasing as folding clothes has always been a sort of meditation for me. taking out the recycling has been somewhat of a chore, but that's the way it goes.
grocery shopping
went up to boston street to try to get my head buzzed. alas! they were closed. so i turned around, started home and ended up at trader joe's for enchillada supplies. damn, there are so many hottie ladies there.
becca
becca is in seattle and called after meeting with bob. he dropped her off near my home and we met up on galer & queen anne, on the way to safeway for cilantro and cream of mushroom. we walked back to my place, but not before visiting kerry park and the lovely view of downtown. we talked a bit about last year and what we went through. yeah, i still got it bad for this lady. but not so much that i can't function, and that's alright.
cooking
we made the enchilladas while drinking some beer and talking.
corn tortillas
tomatillo sauce
chopped onions
cream of mushroom
lotta cheese
finely chopped cilantro
sliced mushrooms
preheat oven to 425. head a pan and saute the onions. add equal parts tomatillo sauce and cream of mushroom. warm until thorougly mixed. saute mushrooms. mix with equal parts cheese and lots of cilantro. this is the filling. warm tortillas and add filling, a little sauce and roll up. fill baking dish with these and smoother with the verde sauce. add cheese, olives, green onions, etc to topping. bake at covered at 425 for 20 minutes, then remove foil and bake until bubbly brown. sprinkle with more cilantro and enjoy.
picnic at gasworks park
elizabeth picked me up and we went to gasworks park for hannah's birthday. so nice to meet new people and hannah is so nice and coolio. i hope i get to see her again soon.
dinner at casa luna
elizabeth and i left for casa luna to prepare for dinner. i talked to coren a while about biking. i like that house. we had the enchilladas and also made cilantro/lime brown rice. GOOD!
bus ride home
took over an hour to get home on the bus. in a car, it would have taken 10-15 minutes. geebus. i need to get a bike.
woke up and was in the mood to make things happen. so i cleaned. decluttering and orgainizing are great for a down psyche. laundry was equally pleasing as folding clothes has always been a sort of meditation for me. taking out the recycling has been somewhat of a chore, but that's the way it goes.
grocery shopping
went up to boston street to try to get my head buzzed. alas! they were closed. so i turned around, started home and ended up at trader joe's for enchillada supplies. damn, there are so many hottie ladies there.
becca
becca is in seattle and called after meeting with bob. he dropped her off near my home and we met up on galer & queen anne, on the way to safeway for cilantro and cream of mushroom. we walked back to my place, but not before visiting kerry park and the lovely view of downtown. we talked a bit about last year and what we went through. yeah, i still got it bad for this lady. but not so much that i can't function, and that's alright.
cooking
we made the enchilladas while drinking some beer and talking.
corn tortillas
tomatillo sauce
chopped onions
cream of mushroom
lotta cheese
finely chopped cilantro
sliced mushrooms
preheat oven to 425. head a pan and saute the onions. add equal parts tomatillo sauce and cream of mushroom. warm until thorougly mixed. saute mushrooms. mix with equal parts cheese and lots of cilantro. this is the filling. warm tortillas and add filling, a little sauce and roll up. fill baking dish with these and smoother with the verde sauce. add cheese, olives, green onions, etc to topping. bake at covered at 425 for 20 minutes, then remove foil and bake until bubbly brown. sprinkle with more cilantro and enjoy.
picnic at gasworks park
elizabeth picked me up and we went to gasworks park for hannah's birthday. so nice to meet new people and hannah is so nice and coolio. i hope i get to see her again soon.
dinner at casa luna
elizabeth and i left for casa luna to prepare for dinner. i talked to coren a while about biking. i like that house. we had the enchilladas and also made cilantro/lime brown rice. GOOD!
bus ride home
took over an hour to get home on the bus. in a car, it would have taken 10-15 minutes. geebus. i need to get a bike.
thpt.
had a dream about mern last night. again. when does it stop?
we were spending the night at someone's home. i was sleeping in the living room and she was upstairs waiting for nate. she came downstairs and was very sad. i told her that i still wanted to be with her and she started crying. and then i knew that she was pregnant. i could literally see the cells of the zygote divide. i told her it didn't matter, but we were both very sad. in my dream, i remember quietly holding her for a long time. i woke up not knowing what to think.
it is time to declutter my life. funny, i should already have clutter here in seattle, but 2 months is long enough to build a stockpile of useless junk. happily, i have found the purging process to be very helpful in orgainizing my resources, time and thoughts. the first step is to take out the garbage, and that's what i'm off to do.
we were spending the night at someone's home. i was sleeping in the living room and she was upstairs waiting for nate. she came downstairs and was very sad. i told her that i still wanted to be with her and she started crying. and then i knew that she was pregnant. i could literally see the cells of the zygote divide. i told her it didn't matter, but we were both very sad. in my dream, i remember quietly holding her for a long time. i woke up not knowing what to think.
it is time to declutter my life. funny, i should already have clutter here in seattle, but 2 months is long enough to build a stockpile of useless junk. happily, i have found the purging process to be very helpful in orgainizing my resources, time and thoughts. the first step is to take out the garbage, and that's what i'm off to do.
military leaders
seems as though general boredom and major apathy have advanced and setup camp in our collective blogosphere. my sense of connectedness to friends and acquaintances is slip sliding away. you austin folk seem to not like the internet anymore. i don't blame you.
saturday, i called elizabeth. my mood was strong and ready for a great weekend exploring seattle and hopefully seeing good people. we talked a bit and quickly realized she was tired, so things probably weren't gonna happen with casa luna taking a trip to folklife. she then tells me that she was offered the doula position with americorps (more on the intracacies of that in a bit). such great news, as that was exactly what she wanted to do. i offered to take her out to lunch and she replied with "i don't think so, i'm tired." without warning, tears formed in my eyes and i couldn't see. what the fuck? spontaneous tears? i got genuinely sad at such casual rejection. how absurd.
it seems the big picture of emotional outbursts rests firmly in my lack of tribe. i am actively pursuing making a place for myself here, but it just seems almost inhospitable. i feel outdated, as though my ideas and way of interacting are past their shelf life. since i've been back in seattle, i have had many visitors and had fun with many people, but i've not spent any significant amount of time with anyone but elizabeth.
liz (not elizabeth) bailed on me today. given the circumstances, i completely understand, but i had really hoped to finally see someone, anyone, a second time.
had brunch today with some people from work. it was great to get out and meet new folks, especially in a setting other than work. all was going well until a discussion about elliott spizter turned to governement and politics. one of the women there was a libertarian and thought socialized anything was bad and economic growth was good. i went back and forth with her for a bit, which ended up in her defending her ideas, almost shaking as she did so, and spouting off that she didn't go to brunch to talk politics. i felt bad that i was part of an akward situation, especially as a guest/the new guy. but i'm a socialist and i make no apology for that.
saw star wars today. thought it was pretty crappy. dialogue sucked. hayden christiansen in the darth vader gettup seemed lame. i wonder how much lucas paid james earl jones to talk in that role.
becca is in seattle now. back in new england, she's been a on a couple of dates with someone she just met. of course she has. and of course she will. why do i let myself even think about her?
talked to jason for about two hours tonight. nice to catch up with him and talk about our collective difficulty in finding/building/developing tribes. he also walked me through using the rss feed features in thunderbird. mark phillip will understand.
while some good came out of the weekend, i have to give it 2 thumbs down.
how do you all out there deal with being alone? i find myself frequently talking to old friends, but it is not the same. i mean that in the sense of physical proximity, but also in the sense of living differently. i notice this everytime i talk to jeff beebe. his life has progressed so much since i left and i feel like i've been spinning my wheels. nothing has happened for me. do i write that because i don't have a tribe or because i don't have a partner? hmph. i don't know.
i feel like i am missing some fundamental aspect of being human - notably not having a local village/tribe/family/community to speak of. and knowing how difficult it is for me to be alone frustrates me. i see people together, in pairs or in groups, and i feel rejected. i see women turn away when i look at them and i wonder what they are thinking. are they thinking "oh god, i hope he doesn't look this way or try to talk to me, or worse yet, try to attack me."? i hope not, but a friend of mine once told me she always thinks that when she sees a guy walking by himself. it seems that's all i ever do these days. walk home from work. walk to fremont. walk to the u district. walk to ravenna. walk home. alone.
saturday, i called elizabeth. my mood was strong and ready for a great weekend exploring seattle and hopefully seeing good people. we talked a bit and quickly realized she was tired, so things probably weren't gonna happen with casa luna taking a trip to folklife. she then tells me that she was offered the doula position with americorps (more on the intracacies of that in a bit). such great news, as that was exactly what she wanted to do. i offered to take her out to lunch and she replied with "i don't think so, i'm tired." without warning, tears formed in my eyes and i couldn't see. what the fuck? spontaneous tears? i got genuinely sad at such casual rejection. how absurd.
it seems the big picture of emotional outbursts rests firmly in my lack of tribe. i am actively pursuing making a place for myself here, but it just seems almost inhospitable. i feel outdated, as though my ideas and way of interacting are past their shelf life. since i've been back in seattle, i have had many visitors and had fun with many people, but i've not spent any significant amount of time with anyone but elizabeth.
liz (not elizabeth) bailed on me today. given the circumstances, i completely understand, but i had really hoped to finally see someone, anyone, a second time.
had brunch today with some people from work. it was great to get out and meet new folks, especially in a setting other than work. all was going well until a discussion about elliott spizter turned to governement and politics. one of the women there was a libertarian and thought socialized anything was bad and economic growth was good. i went back and forth with her for a bit, which ended up in her defending her ideas, almost shaking as she did so, and spouting off that she didn't go to brunch to talk politics. i felt bad that i was part of an akward situation, especially as a guest/the new guy. but i'm a socialist and i make no apology for that.
saw star wars today. thought it was pretty crappy. dialogue sucked. hayden christiansen in the darth vader gettup seemed lame. i wonder how much lucas paid james earl jones to talk in that role.
becca is in seattle now. back in new england, she's been a on a couple of dates with someone she just met. of course she has. and of course she will. why do i let myself even think about her?
talked to jason for about two hours tonight. nice to catch up with him and talk about our collective difficulty in finding/building/developing tribes. he also walked me through using the rss feed features in thunderbird. mark phillip will understand.
while some good came out of the weekend, i have to give it 2 thumbs down.
how do you all out there deal with being alone? i find myself frequently talking to old friends, but it is not the same. i mean that in the sense of physical proximity, but also in the sense of living differently. i notice this everytime i talk to jeff beebe. his life has progressed so much since i left and i feel like i've been spinning my wheels. nothing has happened for me. do i write that because i don't have a tribe or because i don't have a partner? hmph. i don't know.
i feel like i am missing some fundamental aspect of being human - notably not having a local village/tribe/family/community to speak of. and knowing how difficult it is for me to be alone frustrates me. i see people together, in pairs or in groups, and i feel rejected. i see women turn away when i look at them and i wonder what they are thinking. are they thinking "oh god, i hope he doesn't look this way or try to talk to me, or worse yet, try to attack me."? i hope not, but a friend of mine once told me she always thinks that when she sees a guy walking by himself. it seems that's all i ever do these days. walk home from work. walk to fremont. walk to the u district. walk to ravenna. walk home. alone.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
interpol | evil
i'm anxious. on the verge of something big, different. change.
my days are spent organizing someone else's calendar. shuffling papers, organizing, labeling. taking notes. meetings. agendas. project management stuff.
spring fever has hit me here in seattle. yeah, i know, it's almost summer and whatnot, but goddamnit there are some nice ladies out and about. i can't help but love the nice little toes and ankles and legs and booties and tummies and boobies and arms and fingers and necks of the ladies.
i wonder if i'm ready to date again. probably not, but i wonder. jeff beebe would say no. and he's always right. except when he's wrong.
my days are spent organizing someone else's calendar. shuffling papers, organizing, labeling. taking notes. meetings. agendas. project management stuff.
spring fever has hit me here in seattle. yeah, i know, it's almost summer and whatnot, but goddamnit there are some nice ladies out and about. i can't help but love the nice little toes and ankles and legs and booties and tummies and boobies and arms and fingers and necks of the ladies.
i wonder if i'm ready to date again. probably not, but i wonder. jeff beebe would say no. and he's always right. except when he's wrong.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
tagged! i'm it, baggy eyes! (updated)
gangsta bitch breanna just tagged me, so of course i'm happy to play. 'sfunny, i was just thinking today that i don't know how to discover new music. of course, here in seattle i have KEXP. all you mofo's out there should stream it - itunes has it as a preset radiostation. it is the *best*.
Total volume of music on my computer:
in mp3/aac - 8.7 days.
in wma - ~4 days. and yes, the music is different.
Last CD I bought:how about the last 3?
ben lee | awake is the new sleep (thank you gangsta bitch breanna)
the streets | original pirate material
moby | hotel
Song that's on rightthisverysecond:
if lovin' you is wrong | faithless
Songs that I listen to a lot:
begin | ben lee
consequences of falling | kd lang
joy | lucinda williams
summer fling | kd lang
graceland | willie nelson (i know, I KNOW, but i happen to like it better than P.S.)
backdrifts | radiohead
where you end | moby
float on | modest mouse (just for you beth)
comfortably numb | scissor sisters
not if you were the last junkie on earth | the dandy warhols
evil | interpol
dark of the matinee | franz ferdinand
perfect | smashing pumpkins
go it alone | beck
feelin' good again | robert earl keen, jr
2002 | bob schneider
here i am | lyle lovett
the ascent of stan | ben folds
now check out my peeps:
breanna
beth
mark
Total volume of music on my computer:
in mp3/aac - 8.7 days.
in wma - ~4 days. and yes, the music is different.
Last CD I bought:how about the last 3?
ben lee | awake is the new sleep (thank you gangsta bitch breanna)
the streets | original pirate material
moby | hotel
Song that's on rightthisverysecond:
if lovin' you is wrong | faithless
Songs that I listen to a lot:
begin | ben lee
consequences of falling | kd lang
joy | lucinda williams
summer fling | kd lang
graceland | willie nelson (i know, I KNOW, but i happen to like it better than P.S.)
backdrifts | radiohead
where you end | moby
float on | modest mouse (just for you beth)
comfortably numb | scissor sisters
not if you were the last junkie on earth | the dandy warhols
evil | interpol
dark of the matinee | franz ferdinand
perfect | smashing pumpkins
go it alone | beck
feelin' good again | robert earl keen, jr
2002 | bob schneider
here i am | lyle lovett
the ascent of stan | ben folds
now check out my peeps:
breanna
beth
mark
tuesday update
okay all you office kids out there... what the hell is up with the corporate world? i mean, how come nothing (at least nothing in my educational process) evenly closely resembles this behemoth? what have we done in our past to prepare us for life in cubicles? i saw a printed post-it once: four years in the dorms to prepare me for a lifetime in a cubicle???
the adventure and unknown frontier of "motorcylce diaries" made a huge impression on me. more to come.
the adventure and unknown frontier of "motorcylce diaries" made a huge impression on me. more to come.
Monday, May 23, 2005
rebuilding
the past few days have been an experient in living for me.
thursday, i watched "harold and kumar go to whitecastle." i loved the movie. immediately, i called jeff beebe to talk to him about it and i was met with "some people have to work tomorrow." you sonnuvabitch. i get up before you have to be at work. fookah.
i saw "gravity" at the playhouse theatre saturday night. it is haunting me. the premise is paris, 1914, ten years after the cherry orchard (of checkov's cherry orchard was chopped down. it dealt with aging and loss and love and motion and science and art and, and, and... i feel it was a snapshot of me. alone, searching, frantically reaching for someone to hold on too. just to share a few moments with. a few precious moments here in this short, all too short, road trip or our own making.
sunday, i had brunch with liz, one of the first people i met here in seattle. what can i say? possibly a kindred spirit. i hope we get to hang out more, but i don't know how much longer she'll be in seattle. she never specifically said she was leaving, but a four year LDR takes its toll. if she stays, i hope we can hang out more. i had a muffin sandwich with her at julia's on broadway. oh, i now konw how easy it is to bus to capital hill, should the need arise. however, i walked.
on the way back, it started raining. i stopped at the bus stop and asked one of the waiting passenger's if she'd seen the #8 go by. in a heavy scottish brogue, she replied "noo, aye've bin herrre fur ten meenutes..." we started talking and i found a kate mulgrew fan that flew all the way to seattle (from edinbourough) to see tea at five at the seattel rep. she is a huge star trek: voyager fan and we talked all about that and airwolf. we even had coffee after the bus ride. i had never really talked to anyone on the bus before.
i watched "my own private idaho." last night. just now, i finished "motorcycle diaries."
i'm feeling the need to experience the world. to experience america. to have a chance to finally just *be*.
thursday, i watched "harold and kumar go to whitecastle." i loved the movie. immediately, i called jeff beebe to talk to him about it and i was met with "some people have to work tomorrow." you sonnuvabitch. i get up before you have to be at work. fookah.
i saw "gravity" at the playhouse theatre saturday night. it is haunting me. the premise is paris, 1914, ten years after the cherry orchard (of checkov's cherry orchard was chopped down. it dealt with aging and loss and love and motion and science and art and, and, and... i feel it was a snapshot of me. alone, searching, frantically reaching for someone to hold on too. just to share a few moments with. a few precious moments here in this short, all too short, road trip or our own making.
sunday, i had brunch with liz, one of the first people i met here in seattle. what can i say? possibly a kindred spirit. i hope we get to hang out more, but i don't know how much longer she'll be in seattle. she never specifically said she was leaving, but a four year LDR takes its toll. if she stays, i hope we can hang out more. i had a muffin sandwich with her at julia's on broadway. oh, i now konw how easy it is to bus to capital hill, should the need arise. however, i walked.
on the way back, it started raining. i stopped at the bus stop and asked one of the waiting passenger's if she'd seen the #8 go by. in a heavy scottish brogue, she replied "noo, aye've bin herrre fur ten meenutes..." we started talking and i found a kate mulgrew fan that flew all the way to seattle (from edinbourough) to see tea at five at the seattel rep. she is a huge star trek: voyager fan and we talked all about that and airwolf. we even had coffee after the bus ride. i had never really talked to anyone on the bus before.
i watched "my own private idaho." last night. just now, i finished "motorcycle diaries."
i'm feeling the need to experience the world. to experience america. to have a chance to finally just *be*.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Couple Faked Death With Stolen Corpse - Yahoo! News
OH. MY. GOD.
Kids (most of you out there), this happened in the little hamlet we called home for our college years.
Couple Faked Death With Stolen Corpse - Yahoo! News
You can't make this shit up.
Kids (most of you out there), this happened in the little hamlet we called home for our college years.
Couple Faked Death With Stolen Corpse - Yahoo! News
You can't make this shit up.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
friday
last day at nordstrom
elizabeth and i went shopping in downtown. we said we wouldn't a) eat out, b) drink and c) eat ice cream. guess what we did? that's right. so much for sticking to plan.
talked to kelly and had a good conversation the delved back into our christian pasts. very interesting.
it's mona's birthday today... well, the yesterday the 6th. happy birthday, mona.
watched the end of sex and the city. how sad is that i actually felt like an era ended. ida know, kinda like when friends ended. geebus, i gotta stop watching tv.
i start my new job monday. so i feel a little guilty, but i'm excited about this job. i will learn skills i'm excited about developing: project management is something i can transfer into every thing i do.
science fiction is something i've always loved. is it okay to want to produce scifi? what if i don't feel comfortable with the life of an actor? not that i hate being an actor, but being broke is so last year.
and walking around nordstrom, nordstrom rack (imagine neiman marcus last call), macy's, restoration hardware, pottery barn, etc, et al, ad nauseum, reminded me that i frekkin' want nice things. where the fuck did that come from? i mean, i want to get my permaculture certification, for chrissake! how do i reconcile that with wanting a leather couch? huh???
elizabeth and i went shopping in downtown. we said we wouldn't a) eat out, b) drink and c) eat ice cream. guess what we did? that's right. so much for sticking to plan.
talked to kelly and had a good conversation the delved back into our christian pasts. very interesting.
it's mona's birthday today... well, the yesterday the 6th. happy birthday, mona.
watched the end of sex and the city. how sad is that i actually felt like an era ended. ida know, kinda like when friends ended. geebus, i gotta stop watching tv.
i start my new job monday. so i feel a little guilty, but i'm excited about this job. i will learn skills i'm excited about developing: project management is something i can transfer into every thing i do.
science fiction is something i've always loved. is it okay to want to produce scifi? what if i don't feel comfortable with the life of an actor? not that i hate being an actor, but being broke is so last year.
and walking around nordstrom, nordstrom rack (imagine neiman marcus last call), macy's, restoration hardware, pottery barn, etc, et al, ad nauseum, reminded me that i frekkin' want nice things. where the fuck did that come from? i mean, i want to get my permaculture certification, for chrissake! how do i reconcile that with wanting a leather couch? huh???
Thursday, May 05, 2005
wow
wow
dunno know why i haven't posted in so long.
basically, i've been working a temp job. blah.
got sick. blah
been listen to the new ben lee | awake is the new sleep. diggin' ot lots.
eating lots of ice cream. blah.
watching sex and city season 6. fun, but blah.
i'm anxious. i have a job lined up and i start next week.
talking to kelly about work has been enlightening. although i love the theatre, enjoy working towards social justice and challenging people to develop their sensitivies to the human existance (read: compassion), i'm kinda less motivated to be a starving artist for the rest of my life. i know the quality of life i want; how do i reconcile a family with a career as an actor? i look at my friends in the theatre and ask the question (not aloud, of course), "are they happy?" even the artists i know that are constantly working don't seem to have the joy of life i expect.
not that i just wanna be some money grubbing fiend, but come on! i can't work dead end jobs making twelve bux and hour waiting for my big break. that's bullshit. i'd rather make the life i want. if i choose theatre, i need to really choose theatre. but is that the right choice? do i really need that? i mean, what's so bad about community theatre (don't answer that, lemme have that one for a bit).
and excuse the fuck outta me, but i want nice things. not conspicuous consumption, like dear kate likes to say, but more quality over quantity. there is not a goddamn thing wrong with wanting 400 count cotton sheets. or a nice couch. and i will say it: i want a nice car. mind you, my idea of nice car is a vw jetta wagon, desiel (didju expect any less from me?) with a straight vegetable oil converter in the trunk. awe yeah, that's MY THANG BABY, that's MY. THING. i can go camping, road-trippin' and support american farmers, all at the same time!
and you know, i want a garden. and an honest to god yard (no lawn) with trees and maybe even a small orchard. why am i trying to be an actor? i followed a girl into an audition (kel, that's how i tell the story. lemme have that one, too) 13 years ago. THIRTEEN!
i dunno... like kel, i'm having thoughts of more than *that* life. like kel, i'm thinking about directing, although i don't really believe that's my calling. film production has been creeping into my mental periphery as of late, especially with dennis and jeff starting their own films. i mean really: what better way to merge the artist with the geek than to do digital film?
don't take me too seriously, i'm kinda venting the plasma from a week in an office i care nothing about. next week will be better: i will actually learn things and make decisions and have some investment in my job.
monday night, i'm going to the brenneke school (massage therapy) open house to check out the faculty. i'm excited about that. if i stay in theatre and pursue the 'professor of acting and movement' path, the anatomy and physiology will defintely help me. if i choose something else, the supplemental income and deeper sense of self i'll develop will be still be worth it.
dunno know why i haven't posted in so long.
basically, i've been working a temp job. blah.
got sick. blah
been listen to the new ben lee | awake is the new sleep. diggin' ot lots.
eating lots of ice cream. blah.
watching sex and city season 6. fun, but blah.
i'm anxious. i have a job lined up and i start next week.
talking to kelly about work has been enlightening. although i love the theatre, enjoy working towards social justice and challenging people to develop their sensitivies to the human existance (read: compassion), i'm kinda less motivated to be a starving artist for the rest of my life. i know the quality of life i want; how do i reconcile a family with a career as an actor? i look at my friends in the theatre and ask the question (not aloud, of course), "are they happy?" even the artists i know that are constantly working don't seem to have the joy of life i expect.
not that i just wanna be some money grubbing fiend, but come on! i can't work dead end jobs making twelve bux and hour waiting for my big break. that's bullshit. i'd rather make the life i want. if i choose theatre, i need to really choose theatre. but is that the right choice? do i really need that? i mean, what's so bad about community theatre (don't answer that, lemme have that one for a bit).
and excuse the fuck outta me, but i want nice things. not conspicuous consumption, like dear kate likes to say, but more quality over quantity. there is not a goddamn thing wrong with wanting 400 count cotton sheets. or a nice couch. and i will say it: i want a nice car. mind you, my idea of nice car is a vw jetta wagon, desiel (didju expect any less from me?) with a straight vegetable oil converter in the trunk. awe yeah, that's MY THANG BABY, that's MY. THING. i can go camping, road-trippin' and support american farmers, all at the same time!
and you know, i want a garden. and an honest to god yard (no lawn) with trees and maybe even a small orchard. why am i trying to be an actor? i followed a girl into an audition (kel, that's how i tell the story. lemme have that one, too) 13 years ago. THIRTEEN!
i dunno... like kel, i'm having thoughts of more than *that* life. like kel, i'm thinking about directing, although i don't really believe that's my calling. film production has been creeping into my mental periphery as of late, especially with dennis and jeff starting their own films. i mean really: what better way to merge the artist with the geek than to do digital film?
don't take me too seriously, i'm kinda venting the plasma from a week in an office i care nothing about. next week will be better: i will actually learn things and make decisions and have some investment in my job.
monday night, i'm going to the brenneke school (massage therapy) open house to check out the faculty. i'm excited about that. if i stay in theatre and pursue the 'professor of acting and movement' path, the anatomy and physiology will defintely help me. if i choose something else, the supplemental income and deeper sense of self i'll develop will be still be worth it.
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